- The Observer,
- Sunday March 16 2008
Painful ... Bjork in Von Trier's Dancer in the Dark
1. Andre 3000 in Semi-Pro
- Labyrinth
- Release: 1986
- Country: UK
- Cert (UK): U
- Runtime: 101 mins
- Directors: Jim Henson
- Cast: David Bowie, Jennifer Connolly, Toby Froud
OutKast's renaissance man plays Clarence 'Coffee' Black in a new basketball comedy, the script for which he didn't read. Make of that what you will...
2. Ice-T in Tank Girl
The self-styled original gangsta hopped into view as a mutant human kangaroo hybrid by the name of T -Saint. Instant respect deficit.
3. Madonna in Shanghai Surprise
Madge portrayed a missionary nurse (Gloria Tatlock) in search of opium to cure her patients. Unconvincing, to say the least.
4. David Bowie in Labyrinth
As Jareth the Goblin King, Bowie's tight trews and fright-wig combo were more Old Dame than Thin White Duke. Muppet.
5. Jon Bon Jovi in U571
Buzz-cut and military garb for the poodle rocker, who played an engineer, Lt Pete Emmett, in the submarine drama. Very bad medicine indeed.
6. Mick Jagger in Ned Kelly
Well awwwwriiiight, bushrangers! Casting Jagger as the Aussie outlaw was a horrific testament to the potency of late Sixties acid.
7. Sting in Quadrophenia
Ace Face , the ultra-cool king mod, was played by the man who wrote 'King of Pain'. I think we all see the problem...
8. Billy Idol in The Doors
Allowing the cartoon punk to sneer pathetically and pointlessly through Oliver Stone's film as Cat was, frankly, an unforgivable conceit.
9. Björk in Dancer in the Dark
As Selma, Björk pushed her daffy tendencies beyond endurance in Lars von Trier's film, with her blind, all singing-and dancing Czech immigrant.
10. Willie Nelson in Coming Out of the Ice
The so-so 1982 film gave us the Texan toker as a prisoner, Red Loon, in a Twenties Siberian gulag. Stone crazy.
